I understand that social skills can be difficult to learn, but don’t underestimate how critical they can be to your success. Charisma is a skill, and, like any skill, it can be worked on through practice (I believe anyone can be charismatic, but it usually takes getting out of your shell and learning how to interact with people).
Don’t be mistaken, this isn’t about basing your sense of self-worth on other people’s approval; this is about finding success in your career and personal relationships through your social skills.
Here are what I believe to be the five most important social skills you can learn:
1. Listen More Than You Speak
This isn’t about trying to create a mysterious aura about yourself, it’s much simpler than that. It comes down to the idea that people love to talk (especially about themselves), so let them do that.
This doesn’t mean you should never speak though. A conversation is still two sided, so contribute, but try not to ramble because you’re looking to impress them. If you’re not constantly interrupting and trying to talk about yourself, you’ll be surprised how far this can go.
In short, give people the chance to talk, and just focus on being an active ear.
2. Be Genuinely Interested In Other People:
Going through our daily lives, I think we all tend to get stuck in a pretty selfish mindset (I’m absolutely guilty of this). We spend all day focused on all the intricate details of our own lives that we forget how much there exists outside of us too. A big portion of social skills can be boiled down to bonding with other people by connecting over shared experiences.
There’s a concept called Sonder, which is the idea that EVERYONE you meet lives a life just as complex as your own, and they continue to experience it even while you aren’t around. Everyone you meet is living just as interesting of a life as you are, so there can be a lot to learn from listening to their stories. Assume everyone you talk to can teach you something you don’t yet know.
Learn to get out of your own head once in a while and get interested in the lives of others as well. Ask about their interests, their hobbies, their memories, their goals/aspirations, etc. People want to feel important, so give that to them by listening, being engaged, and being empathetic to their successes and struggles.
3. Practice Asking Questions To Keep Conversations Engaging:
This goes back to the last two points, but expands on it. Learn how to ask better questions that go beyond small talk. This’ll take practice, but this will be how you connect with people on a deeper level.
You listen to what they say, and then ask questions to dig a little further into it. This is especially powerful when you know they’re talking about topics they’re really passionate about.
People often make the mistake of thinking that if they don’t know much about what someone is speaking about, then they can’t contribute to the conversation; this is the exact opposite though, because it gives you the perfect opportunity to ask about it. People love to talk about their interests, so don’t be ashamed to admit that you don’t know anything and ask more about it.
When you engross yourself in other people’s interests, it’s such a quick and easy way to start building a connection.
To put it simply: learn how to ask questions about others that they would like to talk about. The key is to focus on what they would like to talk about, not just mindless small talk.
You may ask stupid questions sometimes and that’s okay, it’s going to happen. You’ll get a lot better at this skill over time, and conversations become a lot easier. When you really listen to what others say, they practically give you the next conversation piece, you just have to ask about it.
4. Learn To Be Interesting, Yourself:
The point here is so you can contribute more to conversations as well. This is really simple to do: just have passions, hobbies, and interests of your own too. I know I said in the last point that it’s okay to not know anything about what someone’s talking about, but that also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know anything about everything.
Involve yourself in something unique in your life. This helps twofold because you may be able to introduce them to something new, or you may meet like minded people that also share the same interest (either way, you get a chance to have engaging conversations with others that help build relationships).
To put it concisely: become the person you would want to talk to. It may sound harsh, but don’t assume that just because you’re there that others will want to talk to you. Ask yourself, “If I were a bystander here, would I be interested in what I had to say?”. Be the person that can relate to others, is willing to learn from everyone, can share fun experiences, etc.
Build the characteristics that other people enjoy to be around. Your social skills skyrocket when you become a magnetic personality.
If you struggle to find time in your day for learning something new, I’ve made posts on how I free up hours of my day from reducing time on my phone, as well as how I turn daily drive times into productivity. You can check out the post on reducing screen time here, and the post on utilizing your commute time here.
5. Be A Person Of Your Word:
You can make a pretty strong case that this is the most important social skill to have. If people can’t trust you or rely on you, your credibility is gone immediately.
Think of it on the flip side, you absolutely don’t want to associate yourself with people that habitually lie or bail on their promises. Show up as the person that you wish others to be. If you say you’re going to do something, do it.
Don’t lie to yourself and don’t lie to others. In general, you’ll build personal confidence when you say you’re going to do something and you show up to do it each and every time. Eventually you’ll be able to trust yourself too when you follow through on all your promises.
Conclusion
Social skills are going to be the foundation for your success. Sometimes it’s about who you know, and you never know who you’ll meet if you just open yourself up to interacting with those around you.
Don’t over complicate these things. You know what type of individuals you enjoy speaking with, so try to identify the positive characteristics they have that you can adopt. On the opposite end, you know which individuals you dislike too, so identify what characteristics they have and try to avoid adopting those as well.
If you wouldn’t enjoy having a conversation with yourself, then odds are that others won’t either. This doesn’t mean you have to have perfect social skills, but always be looking to improve upon them.
I realized a lot of this when I was working as a mortgage loan originator; the entire business was built upon the competency, reliability, and trust you could ensure to other people. Be an asset to others, and they will be willing to be an asset to you too.